Monday, 2 March 2015

50 Shades of Ply

Dear Doctor,
I appear to be suffering from a strange affliction, can you help me please?



On several occasions recently I have found myself standing in my garage swearing at inanimate objects. It started with a strange collection of items which had mysteriously gathered there. A dead car battery, Random bits of ply, a bag of compost, a couple of child seats and any number of bikes. I swore at them very loudly but they refused to budge.
Then after a few days an enormous slab of MDF appeared, I swore at it too but it wouldn’t listen to a word I said so I chopped it up.

The next thing I knew I was shouting at my pencil. Well I would have shouted at it if it had shown its pointy little stick-like face long enough, but in its absence I was forced to shout at the memory of a pencil. Not a real pencil, just an accusation of a pencil. 
 When it did turn up it was broken, and every time I whittled it to a point, it snapped.

Then I snapped.




I do not know what makes me go out there. I’m sitting cosy and snug watching Homes Under The Hammer and the next thing I know I’m Out There, freezing my nadgers off.
I’m getting seriously worried now, the latest episode has involved sharp instruments and torture. 

Some of my ply bits are keepsakes, reminders, fragments of memories, remnants of loves lost. Some are from an unmentionable episode during the early days of Katie Beardie.  There are some dating all the way back to sweet Caitlin, ( be still by beating heart) with her sensuous curves. I know I saw a shard of Polythene Pam, which pierced my heart like a stilletto. 
Now I've began to wrap them round the MDF in a sordid contortion of an embrace which seems to cause loud grunting sounds and more swearing.
I’m really not sure where this will end!   



I’m getting these sudden urges to go out and buy whole sheets of pristine plywood and swear at it.
I don’t like doing things by halves. 

Can you help me please.

Wednesday, 25 February 2015

My First Car


In my dreams!  Mine was never like this. 
We were out on the bikes today and came across this lovely little Ford Anglia 105E at the Fighting Cocks at Godshill. 
She's not original, but she is a fine example of the way a club racer would have prepared this car during the sixties. She's got her alloy Minilites on, wider track at the front with a hint of negative camber. Possibly the McPherson Struts were lifted off a Cortina complete with their disc brakes.  Full roll cage with sports steering wheel and bucket seats.
Now the colour scheme is the same as the Lotus Cortina of the same era and she has Lotus badges on her rear quarters but as far as I can remember Lotus never built an Anglia. 
Maybe they hint at a Lotus twin cam under the bonnet.  
For a true Lotus look it needs front quarter bumpers, rare as hens teeth. 

Very understated, very nice.